the definition of good and bad are relative, right? not only to people, but to themselves.
i think that's why, when i say to people i had a "good" day, they don't understand that no, in the grand scheme of things, it wasn't actually, good. it's just that compared to being crushed slowly by a giant, pointy boulder, i just got bit once by a bear. anyway, that's neither here nor there, was only a thought.

sleep was hell, really. short story which will be cut because of the TMI (pff, really, it only involves blood. and nothing to do with being a girl, geez. eww.)
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on the bike front, today i ordered some stuff for it, like the roof rack and some rain clothes. ..now i just need, you know, the BIKE. gah. still need shoes (maybe, dunno), a lock and maybe a helmet (just to shut my mother up, i am in fact invincible -- no, really. it's sort of not funny. i should have been killed twice yesterday (one in what was a millimetre away from being a huge, fiery multicar wreck and once as a pedestrian almost hit by some arse in a lexus who didn't understant the concept of a ZEBRA CROSSING)).

i wish spring would hurry up :(

it's like, no matter where i go, wank just rides in on my coattails.
i feel like making rude gestures but i'm too busy slamming my head on the desk.

why? WHY do people and wank go together so wonderfully?

eta: no new Pretty tonight. :( but two rerun episode of Pretty. i can live with that.

( just rambling, i have this need to write really pointless crap down )

err... also, House has been moved to Mondays, and i missed it, which means, likely, i will not actiually see it for the rest of the season except when i download episodes. i don't watch TV on Monday nights, it's just a Thing. only Tuesdays, Fridays and Sundays (which is a new allowance, i normally don't but i am teh GA Addict, and i used to watch the L Word but GA conflicts so i always On Demand that -- i'm sure you all needed to know that much about my TV habits) so, err... strangely enough i don't really care? that's kind of sad. :/ i don't even feel any sort of rush to download the new episode. hmph.

what the fuck. i am seriously getting sick of people sending me emails for petitions against things that would effectively be revoking the right to free speech.

today it was a forward to sign a petition about a game 25 To Life, or something similar, where the object is to shoot law enforcement officials. whatever.

HI. I ADVOCATE FREE SPEECH, STOP SENDING ME THESE EMAILS PLZKTHX. IF YOU DON'T LIKE THE CONCEPT THEN DON'T FUCKING BUY THE GAME.

yeah. people have some nasty shit to say. but you know what? THEY HAVE THE RIGHT TO SAY IT. frankly i don't care what country you're in, if i lived elsewhere and wanted to say something, fuck any laws that said i couldn't. i do that in the US, too (not with free speech, per se, but with any law with which i have a moral disagreement. i ignore it). and yeah, i do live in the US, hence the first amendment, yadda yadda (we used to have a Constitution, but i'm pretty sure the current administration has just set that on fire).

...you know just for that, i'm going to buy the goddamned game. and shoot lots of cops. IN THE GAME. because, you know, i can tell the DIFFERENCE.

blargh.

i need subway.

ETA: mm. Subway. also, my temper has been affected by the fact thart i just spent the day calculating GPAs for an ENTIRE UNIVERSITY to help my mum. argh. it's a good thing i like maths. i am ashamed to say it was fun. *hangs head*

i had this nifty, somewhat upbeat post about the hybrid bike i'm going to buy in march, you know, how much i'll save on gas, somehow manage to get in shape, blah blah blah.
then i scrapped it because i as stupid enough to bring it up offline and my mother started in on the 'you're just buying things to make up for ____"

i shouldn't have stopped by their place this morning. donuts or no.
seriously, what the fuck, why would i spend money on a BIKE for the sake of spending money to fill some stupid void? why wouldn't it be some nifty electronic geek gadget THAT WOULD ACTUALLY MAKE SENSE FOR ME TO BLOW MONEY ON?

way to be supportive. you know, i bet when i bring it up with m. on wednesday she'll think it's a good idea. a healthy idea (mentally and physically, as well as financially despite the initial costs). why is it that lately, doctors have been more supportive than friends or family? a large part of it is that they have no reason to be selfish, i guess. if my decisions are healthy for me, but maybe don't get me where someone ELSE wants me fast enough for their tastes, that doesn't affect their judgement on the situation. everything from moving out to this stupid bicycle thing has brought me at least some sort of grief from the people that were supposed to be there for me the most.

why do i continue to give people chances? doing the same thing over and over while expecting different results is the definition of insanity. not that that was ever in question, but i think it's also part of the definition for pure idiocy.

well.
they closed the inpatient psych unit at my hospital. what in god's fucking name am i supposed to do now?

you know, i could answer that in a heartbeat if i was one of those people that actually believed in "signs". fuck, maybe i should be.

i was hoping things would be as 'okay' today as they were yesterday, but that was sort of foolish, and now these next few days are going to be nothing like they should be. at least, nothing like i wanted them to be. not even close. i'm going to get in bed, and hope that i can just sleep through it because that's all i can think to do (which has the added benefit of saving you all from any more of this pathetic drivel). i was supposed to be out, this weekend, for once. and now i can't handle anything.

an opportunity presented itself today, so i did my best to take it. i told Leslie about my "situation." that it has become "life threatening" and blah blah whatever fill in the blanks. i can't remember most of what i said. she seemed concerned, and asked what they could do to help (not meaning days off/etc) so we discussed workload or whatever. she asked if i was on meds, which i don't think i had to answer but i did anyway because yeah, i am, they stopped working, and if i get desperate enough i'll be trying others and things could get -really- ugly. her mum works in a counselling centre at UPenn so at least she's heard firsthand accounts and -sort of- knows what it could be like. but she's not the one i'm worried about. impossible guess who -that- is. i'm awaiting someone on a message board to get back to me about PA state minimum employee limits. although it is a message board so i'm not actually expecting follow through, there.

god, i am so sick of people. people are terrible, man's inhumanity to man is nothing new, people suck and they're nasty to each other, it's just a fact of life and i don't want to hear how "miserable" anyone bloody is because of it. goddamnit. that misery is NOTHING if that's all it is. every time i turn around someone's on about it. people i know, people i don't. i want to strangle them all because hey, if tomorrow all of that changed, you'd be good to go. and i, and people like me, wouldn't feel a goddamned bit different.

anyway. that is all. i shall now go be a bastard to my television, since that's the only thing i plan on interacting with.

also i have been reading comments i'm just not...quite able to reply yet.

ETA: also, best quote ever: You really are Satan, you realize that right? If Satan were to take physical form he'd be you, everywhere all the time. i need to say that to someone.

feel free to you, know, skip. in fact it'd probably be best. i don't have much interesting to writer about these days.

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eta: i really am sorry if i've been short or snippy or just plain rude to anyone. i'm curled in a corner with nowhere to go and i can't tell what's what anymore and all i seem to be able to do is lash out in any variety of ways.

digging for paper earlier today, paper to tape to the box that was sent. plain, white paper. off-white was also okay. i knew i had some somewhere.
knew i had a whole ream of white inkjet paper, but couldnt find it.

yanked out an old sketchbook i'd barely used. found your handwriting on ha;f the filled pages. tucked in the back was that poem that you said wasn't finished until me, that you hadn't read, until then, that you gave to me on a tuesday. fuck you.

new year's eve. that's how long things have to turn around.
i guess winter really is my season after all.

i'm in love with this song.

it's the song they played at the end of the last Grey's Anatomy ep [in which Dr Shepard continues to be a complete IDIOT], during the holdyourbreathsortofomfgadrenaline bits.
(that show has really good music, i need to look into a soundtrack or something)

Anna Nalick - Breathe (2 AM)

(yes, completely unrelated to Sia's 'Breathe'.)